XC skiing for the first time with prosthetic and Cisco

After the excitement of Christmas morning was over and Mom and Dad were packing their car to continue their journey to Jenny, Michael and Kahnes, Tony and I decided to pack up our car and head out to try some XC skiing. We were both a little nervous for the outing, not just because of the new prosthetic that Tony brought home, but also because of the new family addition, Cisco. Across the street from the turn into our neighborhood hosts a fantastic loop to xc ski and in the past have spent many a Sunday morning skiing then heading to the Durango Diner for a green chili breakfast. This was much like those other days, other than the fact that Tony no longer has a hand to hold onto a ski pole. Dad and Tony spent an hour or so fixing a ski pole so his new prosthetic would be able to grip it, but as we headed out onto the trails, he soon realized that this was another new frustrating learning curve. Much of xc poling comes from your wrist, and you need some movement through there. Tony struggled with it a bit and we both had a few tears, but in the end, as always, he kept his chin high and spent the time thinking of how he can adjust his situation to make it work better.

Each time we try something, frustration and anger mount for both of us, but we try to breath deep and realize that life is different and we have to roll with it. We are both excited as we bought Dads Prius from him so we are excited for Tony to have a car to drive now other than his truck. We are slowly selling our vehicles for cars he can drive which will be nice when that is over for sure. It is all those kinds of things we have to think about that most folks wouldn't even think about and I certainly didn't before that is for sure! We are wishing everyone happy holidays and a safe New Year!

New addition to our family.

So after my minor breakdown on Sunday, and a few tears that night, I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and decided it was certainly time to move through some of this grief and enjoy the life that Tony and I have created for ourselves. On Wednesday, Tony texted me a picture of this little Staffordshire Terrier from the pound that needed a home and told me he put a hold on him for Roxy (our other little Staffie) and I to meet. I was very reluctant not just because I missed The Boodog, but it also meant letting go of the past and letting us both move forward into a new phase of our life together. This would be our first dog we got together which was also very exciting. Sometimes you want to wear your grief and sorrow around you like a blanket as it is familiar and comforting. Not always the comfort you need, but familiar nonetheless.

When we got to the pound, I was still reluctant to embrace this new guy, but as most of you know, any kind of animal steals my heart and I can't wait to get my hands on them for some cuddling. He is a smart little guy who is small, sweet and likes to play and run which is a change for us from our geriatric pitbulls we have had for years. As we loaded him into my Honda, he sniffed, circled a few times and laid down. I took this as a good sign and when we got home, we played some ball (which again is shocking to see one of our dogs move at such a quick pace!) and he settled in for the night on a bed beside Tony and promptly fell asleep.

As with anything, moving through this veil of grief and trauma has been hard, but at the same time, moving forward seems to dust of some cobwebs in both of our hearts and reminds us that life indeed does move forward and change and we can either sit back while life passes us by, or embrace these changes and and not just smiles plastered on our face, but have smiles that actually come from the inside and be filled with joy as well.

Snowy Day in Durango

As the weeks creep by, you start to feel the world around you moving forward. People going back to everyday life, and until they see Tony, its almost like it people forget that he is missing a hand and is still dealing with tragedy. This is to be expected and we both were ready for it, but it doesn't change the feelings you have when that does happen as it really brings it home that the world moves on and you have to move on with it. This is much easier said than done as both Tony and I have realized. There are so many feeling inside that surface at different times and you try to keep them in check throughout the day, and then when you collapse on your couch or in bed, they well up to the surface and just the slightest thing can remind you of your new life that has been chosen for you. So many times I look across the room and see Tony working on his physical therapy (which is working his wrist to try to regain a few degrees of movement) and my eyes fill with tears. They are not always sad tears, but many times tears of joy that he is sitting beside me in our beautiful home with a fire roaring and the twinkling lights of our Chrismas tree. These are the tears that I like, that I enjoy. It is the times when I look over and see pain and frustration on his face and he turns to me and just says, "This sucks. I wish I didn't lose my hand." These are the times that I cannot seem to keep it together and memories of that night flood my mind and swirl around my head for days. These are the times when it is hard to keep a smile on my face or feel grateful for anything.
The changes we face together each day are something that few people will ever know or even understand in their life which so many times makes it hard to relate to other folks around us. Or I guess, this is how I feel and I certainly shouldn't begin to guess what Tony is feeling which has to be magnified 1000 times over.
We are both certainly grateful to those around us who are supportive, understanding and realize that this isn't over for either one of us and won't be for quite some time and are sticking around. Life has changed for us and it doesn't always feel great, but we are facing it as best we can. With our heads held high and our spirits lifted, we face each day.

getting fitted for prosthetic

Luke just emailed me this picture from his phone and it is Tony trying on his prototype prosthetic. Cheers to holding a paddle and seeing a smile on his face!!!! I love it!!

First day alone...

It is a blustery Sunday morning and when I look out the window, I can see the snow has started covering the mountains. Tony has packed up the car and is picking up Luke Hansen to head to Denver today to pick up his first prototype prosthesis. This has been a long, hard week and I didn't think about how it would feel for Tony to leave and the fears it would bring up as well as some logistics about things. I now realize this is how Tony's folks and my mom must feel everytime we leave. I try to be rational and know that you can't live your life in fear of what may happen, but the thought of it looms heavy on your heart. The last time we were apart, Tony was in ICU and I was in a hotel across the street with my heart pounding with constant worry and fear. Being separtated for the first time, all these fears are welling up inside me, but I am also very excited for Tony to have some time with his friend and to feel that kind of freedom that a prosthetic will bring him.
The logistics of the trip and the driving situation was something neither one of us thought of until just a few days ago. Our truck that we used to only use for camping and hauling is now the only car Tony can drive, and I have to say it is big. Huge actually and when he thought about actually trying to drive it with one hand in Denver, he automatically told me he was taking my car. I then reminded him that it was stick shift and that he couldn't drive that either. It wasn't a tragedy and we are lucky to even have two cars and quickly asked Luke if he minded driving the Honda for Tony. These things don't seem like a big deal, but it is a reminder of what Tony lost forever and that he does have to make changes in his life on so many different levels. Luke is driving it for him, but I know that Tony doesn't like to be able not to drive his own car and not have to feel like feeling like he can't do something, but unfortunetly, that is his reality with some things. Learning how to deal with these kind of everyday changes makes you realize how lucky we in fact do have it....we don't have to sell our cars for a wheelchair adapted van or sell our house for the same reason. We also have good friends that are willing to help in this kind of situation and rally out the drive for Tony.
Life has changed in so many different ways these past few weeks and adapting to it can sometimes be hard, but you just have to keep your chin up and move forward and just make the changes that need to happen one at a time....

Said goodbye to our old friend Butchdog.

Above is a picture of our dog Butch's last Sonic hamburger yesterday. Tony and I both knew this day was coming (I have thought this days was coming for 12 years!) and yesterday was Butch's time to say goodbye. This past week during Thanksgiving, he back finally gave out and Tony and I were taking turns carrying him everywhere as his back legs were too wobbly to hold him up. We knew it was time, but had to wait until 5PM yesterday to get an appointment with out vet. We decided together that he loved Four Corners Riversports (Tonys shop he co-owns with Andy) that we wanted to put him down there so he could spend his last night peg-legging around saying good bye to the shop kids as well as customers. Most of the day he layed on his bed in front of the heater, but would wag his tail generously when folks came up to say goodbye to him.

I got Boodog when I was just 23 years old and have never had to put a dog down before, so this was a very hard experience for me. Bree and I just started a new Big Brothers/Big Sisters volunteer program yesterday from 3-4 so I knew I had to hold it together at least through Study Buddies before the deed was to be done. As soon as I pulled up at the shop at about 4:45, the tears started and didn't stop until well into the night.

Tony being the strong husband that he is, supported me through the whole thing. We both held his head in our laps and stroked his fur (hmm, would I call it fur as it is about the bristliest "fur" I have ever pet) until he slowly faded away. I think this brought all kinds of emotions to the surface for both of us and it proved to be a long night. I woke up this morning wanting to ask Tony is he let Butch out, but then my memory came back of the previous night and I held back the tears. As I sit in my cubicle, I am trying to hold it together while Bree keeps it all together for me.....

Thanksgiving Healing Picture

Always with a smile on his face no mattter how small that smile is. Thanksgiving with the Miely family was fantastic even if their was a few meltdowns from Kahne (present overload) and myself (to much food and being overtired like a 3 year old!). Today, some Christmas shopping and window shopping to begin the quest of exchanging our cars for automatics so Tony can drive them (have stick shifts unfortunetly, and those days are over for us for a while). Happy Thanksgiving to everyone and we hope that everyone can feel our love from afar!

Holidays.

Just the other day I woke up and realized the holidays were not just looming upon us, but are actually here. It feel as though it was just the other day that I was walking back and forth from the hospital to my hotel every day and before I knew it, I was dragging Christmas decorations out of my attic and laying them out for review. With our attic being the size of a bowling alley, it seems as though there are more and more boxes filled with "treasures" each year. The stair case is a pull down situation and is a treacherous feat even with two hands and a fully healed body. As I thought about pulling the staircase down and was calling to Tony, I realized how difficult this years holiday chores would be. Usually, Tony goes up and kind of hands the boxes down to me, and I grab them and hope to safely land them on the ground. This year it was going to be a bit different and I wasn't looking forward it. I climbed the wobbly staircase and ventured to hand down the first box....Tony reached up with his one hand and balanced the box filled with matted looking garland and eased the mildewy smelling box to the ground. We proceeded this way for some time until we both took at look at the 9 ft. tree still in its box with sale pricetags from the previous year clinging to its dusty sides. We kind of looked at one another and at the same moment said, "Maybe we can wait until Bree comes over to help with this one."

We both realized that things that we used to take for granted are not quite gone, but are certainly different in the way that they are handled. Your perspective on things is altered and life shifts in different directions. People you would have thought to be right by your side are not and ones that you never suspected cared so much have lent more than a shoulder to cry on. For the most part, we both feel fortunate for not only our such dear close friends and family, but that the hand we were dealt (wait...guess I can't use that one anymore can I? I just made myself chuckle a bit....) was not more of a severe blow to our life. With happiness for one another in our hearts, we look forward to each new crossroad as an adventure in our lives together whatever hand we are dealt....(I couldn't resist that!)

Denver doctors visit...

Tony and I headed to Denver this past Monday to see a two different doctors (as well a

a band!) which was just so fantastic. We met with a new prosthetics doctor on Tuesday as well as met with Tonys surgeon that afternoon. Both were very impressed with how well

Tonys is healing both physically and mentally. His arm as well as his leg skin grafts are healing quite nicely and he has begun to run a few days

a week. This is a new sport for Tony, but like everything else, he will be a fantastic runner (out running me for sure) quickly. We were able to see our good friends Ben and Maaike for dinner on on Tuesday which brought smiles to our faces and warmed our hearts. Not only in Durango do we have such a wonderful support syst

em, but it seems we have friends all over sending love and support our way. This has helped more than I can say for us to move forward and begin to learn how to live this new life we have. It is the small things that we are challenged with (having to swap out all of our vehicles for automatics!)but we are getting through them together with friends and family.

Again, thank you to all who continue to support and love us across the country!

Running can hurt ones legs....

The snow is falling outside and the flakes are the size of baseballs here in Durango. It is just so pretty I don't even know what to do. This has been such a good week for the two of us and we are moving forward in such positive steps. Tony has been at work at least a few hours everyday and his pain level seems to be decreasing each day. As time passes, we are both learning how to live this new life and to take joy in the life we have been given. Knowing how bad things could have been and what kind of changes could have easily been handed to us, we are thankful each day.
Our friends across the country and support here in Durango is overwhelming and brings tears to both of our eyes often. The way the community has sort of rallied around us, calling, planning benefits for Tonys prosthetics, checking in and asking how we are is simply amazing. Many of our friends from around the country have discussed coming out for the benefit to support us and I cannot even say how much that means to us. My business partner, Bree has worked non-stop allowing me time to be home with Tony as much as possible and his partner at work has been doing the same. These selfless acts bring tears to my eyes as I know that in this economic climate, it is not easy for anyone to say the least.
We are flying to Denver on Monday of this week to meet with some prosthetic specialists and Tonys surgeon (and catching an early show for some fun!) and hoping to know a little more about how to proceed with the idea of a prosthetic. We are not sure how long this will take, how many fittings, or honestly anything about prothetics so it will be fantastic learning experience.
On a lighter note, Tricky Kitty (my all girls band) has found a guitarist and we are starting to ramp up our practice schedule for January 9th! So much fun!!

First day on his Cruiser bike!

I took this picture on Saturday morning before Tony and I took a little bike ride along the river trail here in Durango. If you check out the right side you will see he has rigged up a "cup" type of thing to put his arm into for steering and his buddy welded a piece that fits onto his handlebars.

We rode for a few miles before turning around heading back to Four Corners. It was fantastic for us to be outside together riding bikes!

moving forward

This has been a good week for Tony and I. His sister Jenny came down and it was so nice to have her to ourselves for three and a half days! She cooked and cleaned and spent a lot of time with Tony allowing me to go to work and band practice and not have to worry to much about him. We have gone down to every other week for doctors visits which is fantastic and Tony is at physical therapy twice a week now working on getting some motion back in his wrist. There is not a ton of movement there and it has been a little frustrating for him, but we are getting there slowly but surely. After meeting with another fellow here in town who also lost his hand and part of his arm in an accident, Tony was inspired and I think he left that meeting with fresh hope in his soul which of course, makes me happy and makes my heart sing. This gentelman, Rich, showed him how he has his mountain bike set up and gave Tony all kinds of encouragement and hope that indeed he would be back doing everything he loves doing in just a few short years.
We are both very excited for the benefit party being held here in town at Ska Brewing on January 9th and it seems as though there may be quite a few folks showing up for it from out of town so that will be very exciting (even if it is a bit overwhelming!). My all ladies band Tricky Kitty is getting all geared up for this event as it will also be our first "concert" and we are just so excited for it to be for Tony. He is still the hottest guy in town that all the ladies love!!!

Jenny just got here!

So this past week, as you all read, was not a great week. I am happy that today is Sunday and that the week is just beginning again and we can start fresh. With bandages coming off, a fit being thrown over snow boots and the holiday on Saturday, we had our hands full with emotions flying all over the place. There were many tears shed and nights just waiting for a new day to start. Halloween is a particularly hard holiday for us not to take part in as we both love dressing up and often plan our costumes the year before. The year we got married, we had a huge Halloween wedding reception in Durango and had all of our friends and family dressed up celebrating our wedding day with us. So needless to say, this was a hard holiday for us, but we made the best of it and I cooked a fabulous dinner and watched scary movies.
Tonys sister Jenny drove down today from Gunnison to spend a few days with us pampering us with her wonderful cooking and fabulous promises to clean our house! We don't often get to hang out with her without the whole family around (whom we love very much don't get me wrong!) so this will be such a special week for us all. I think she is even going to come to our Tricky Kitty practice on Tuesday so she can rock out with us ladies for an hour or so. Lord, I hope this week is better than last is all I can say.....

Surgery was Easy, Life, not so much

Surgery was easy, I was under anestesia, most of my decisions were made for me by doctors, I had only my family and a few close friends to interact with. Right now the realities of living everyday life minus a hand are setting in. Seeing friends for the first time since my accident, reliving my ordeal, getting my boots on, trying to shovel snow (can't do it right now), and looking at where my hand once was and figureing out how to live with my new reality, this is proving harder than I had imagined. I am re-learning how to do many things but I am constantly faced with tasks that were easy to do with both my hands, now they are not within my current capabilities. I realize that as my stump heals and becomes less sensitive, stronger and regains motion I will be able to do more, but right now it can be discouraging. In time prosethetics will allow me to paddle, bike and shovel snow, but I had a horrible moment trying to put my boot on yesterday that ended with me throwing them across the room and breaking down crying. I put on my slippers in defeat and went to work an emotional mess. Thankfully my 4CRS family has been great, loving, understanding and sympathetic to my situation. I realize that time heals all wounds, both physical and emotional and I try to look ahead, but sometimes it's hard when you can't even get your boots on to go outside. Thank you all for your support and please keep the love coming, I need it. Tony

Sometimes life isn't all that sweet.....

Just when it seems as though you are making it through your emotions, you are pushed back to square one and you watch your husband struggle to keep it together and your heart breaks into a million pieces all over again. This will be the hardest thing we will ever get through in our life and all I can do is try to help him move through his heartache as much as possible. Trying to tough it out and be strong isn't always easy and all I can do is thank everyone for being there for us throughout this ordeal.

Physical Therapy and a bike trainer

Thanks to our good friend Arlo at Ska Brewing, Tony will now be riding his mountain bike in our living room to get that leg back in shape! Each day when I watch Tony face the day with a smile on his face I am in awe. Many days, by the time we go to bed at about 9, the smile has faded and pain and discomfort have set in. Not every night, but quite a few now that he is trying to return to work a couple hours a day and start with physical therapy. It seems as though it is getting harder and harder to write updates as there is just not that much to tell. Our close friends are being so supportive and callling him often to go for short walks or have us over for dinner and life is starting to take shape. It certainly is not the life we had before and we are both going through lots of emotions up and down, but it is coming together. I do believe we are no longer the talk of the town and the shock of the whole accident has worn off Durango and the excitement of Halloween has taken its place.
Some of our good friends have started the process of putting together a benefit for Tony here in town at a local bar (where yours truly will debuting with her all girls band!) for a weekend in January so that is certianly something we will look forward to. We are loving being home and watching the fall colors change from our house instead of a window in Intensive Care!

A post from Ken and Patti....

I thought everyone would like to read a post from Tonys folks....

Anonymous said...
Every time we visit with Tony and Tina there seems to be new strength in both their spirits and body. Tina continues to work out and bike and Tony keeps adding new activities, although limited at this time, to his daily routine. Their spirits continue to show us how strong they both are and we applaud them as they go forward with their lives. We all went out to dinner at Ken & Sue's on Monday and enjoyed the warmth of the Durango community. Helping Tony and Tina get ready for winter is a work in progress, but getting the house and outside straightened up made us feel useful. It is so hard to leave them and we have cherished the time we have spent together...it has been a healing for all of us. As parents we understand how important it is to give your adult children thier space, but we love being with them and so hold those moments close to our hearts. Keep healing Tony and keep strong Tina as together you will get through this. Love, Mom & Dad

Tony in his custom Snuggie...

So I have decided to try and write at least something on this everyday for the duration of Tonys healing for the next six months or so. They might not be the most funny or witty posts, but I know there are a lot of folks who look on this often to see how Tony is healing up. As you can see in the this picture, he is looking so much better than he did just a week ago. His color is coming back and he has gained back about 10 lbs which has helped quite a bit. His doctors appointment went well yesterday and Dr. Anderson gave him the go ahead to start physical therapy on that wrist of his to get it moving. He has his first appointment today so I am sure that he will be sore and tired by the time I am home from work around 4. Ken and Patti just left this morning after a few whirlwind days of cleaning and organzing the house which helps us both so much. We also made it over to Bree's house last night to celebrate our friend Kimi's birthday with a few friends. This group of friends (Luke, Kimi and Brian and Allison and a few more!) have become so important to us as they are getting used to seeing Tony with his missing hand which helps Tony start to move through some of those feelings of discomfort at being stared at. This helps with being in a small town as you see the same folks all the time so after a few months, he will just become "the guy at Four Corners Riversports with one hand..." which is good I think.
Life is treating us well and we are both just trying to move through this trauma with smiles on our faces and our heads held high and of course, a Snuggie to keep us warm.

Doctors apppointment and football...

So many of you know Tony likes football, but in the past has not been crazed for watching it every week. I believe that has changed this year with not as many outdoor activities on our plate. Now that Tony is home healing quite a bit and is often tired by about 6 pm, there seems to be quite a bit of interest on his part in the football that seems to constantly be on TV. I myself don't quite understand the game, but do not hate it as it reminds me of snowy Sundays when I was a little girl and my dad was watching it and I could always hear it in the background. This is somehow a comforting sound to me still, but these days I am often cooking in my fantastic kitchen and sipping wine with some ladies while Sunday Football in on. Needless to say, I have a feeling that this will be a big winter for lots of lounging and football watching for The Mielys.
Tonys healing has been such an incredible thing to watch and the miracles the body performs while healing itself if astonishing. Just two weeks ago, Tony was laying in a hospital bed in a weird gown and could not move and now he is up and about helping Ken clean windows and replace light fixtures. His leg has healed more in the last week than I ever thought possible and the smile has really not left his face either. That is not to say there are not up's and down's as each outing in town has spurned a few feelings of discomfort at being stared at and other times folks that haven't seen Tony in while and didn't know, always bring a look of surprise that stays with both of us for a few hours afterwards. These moments can be hard and is a reminder of the trauma that we just went through, but we both look at one another and try and remember that things could just be so much worse for us. Our hometown here in Durango has more support, phone calls and friends than I am constantly amazed. All I can say is that this may be an expensive place to live, but it is worth every cent of it in exchange for the people that surround us each and every day.

Sunday morning walk....

As we begin to make our way to our mailboxes, I can feel the sunshine on my back and I reach over and grab Tonys hand. This is our first outing that is further than a short walk and I am so excited to be outside with him. Roxy is prancing by his side and looking up at both of us with adoring eyes. I can tell that she is thinks this will be shorter than it really is and she will lose interest when she realizes that there are no snacks involved and she actually has to exercise. I think for Roxy, Tony loosing his hand is a very exciting thing as that has meant that there seems to be unlimited napping and cuddling for her and it suits her lifestyle just fine. This was our first quiet weekend at home and I cannot say enough how enjoyable it was. Each day Tony's healing seems to be exponential and I am amazed everytime we take off the bandages and see the skin healing on his leg. We abandoned the bandages Friday evening on his leg and that has gone remarkably well. Saturday afternoon Tony and I met Luke and Kimi at the High Five in town and went to see Zombieland. People magazine said: "If you are going to see one zombie-comedy this year, Zombieland is it" and they were certainly right. I was very skeptical and was happily suprised at this film. I thoroughly enjoyed it and laughed the whole time which was a much needed two hours from life. I enjoy zombies, popcorn and Woody Harrelson so this worked out quite well for me.
After our walk today, we arrived home and Tony sank into his favorite chair and napped most of the afternoon while I tackled my first chocolate almond cake from the Julia Childs cookbook....we'll see how that turns out later tonight!

Custom Snuggie for Tony

So it seems as though Tony has plenty of lady friends who either dress up in high school cheerleading outfits or make him custom Snuggies'. His girlfriend Missy dropped this by my office this morning and Bree snapped a quick picture of her modeling it for everyone to see. Tony is doing well but seems to tire easily and nighttime is always harder than days. Today his friend Jimbo came up to visit this afternoon and I think they went out for a short walk and then into town for a minute which is very exciting for sure. Each small outing will take it out of him, but that means the healing is happening and that we love. Life is moving on and I am back at work now for full days which feels fantastic and really makes life start to feel like it is getting back to normal. Love to you all....

Little Miss Kitten

Tony is napping quietly beside me right now in his reclining chair and it seems as though he has a bit of a busy day here at the house. He is one lucky guy to have so many lady friends here in town that love to take care of him. The other day was Heather in a cute cheerleading outfit from high school and today was his girlfriend Kati Prince (aka Kitten) who brought him new snowboard boots from her hubby (who owns Bubbas Boards at the ski mountain here) that have an easy system to pull the laces with one hand. Tony and his doctor are convinced that he will snowboard by January and I will be loving that if we can make that happen! The way we figured is the snow doesn't really fly until that point anyway, so it should all be good and with no plans for any trips to Sayulita this year, it will be great to snowboard all winter. Bubba also researched some bindings for him that you step inn the back of so that would be fantastic if that worked out. Good thing he isn't a huge skier as the pole holding would be pesky these days.
Kitten was here for a couple hours and changed his arm bandage and told him all was looking good and not infected. This is like music to my ears upon my return home from the old cubicle and allowed me to stay longer at work. Ken and Patti are returning on Sunday to spend a few days with us so we are both looking forward to some more family time together which will be nice....
Life moves on and as it does, the words are coming a bit slower for me...hmmm...

life begins to resume.

Even though life in so many ways has changed dramatically, in other ways it is beginning to feel as though it is the same. It is such a hard thing to express the feelings of up and down, happiness and sadness, anger and bliss and they are all rolled into one creating such a roller coaster.
Tonys has to be one of the strongest people I have ever met. Everytime we change the bandages on his arm, we are faced with exactly what is left of his arm and the reality of the situation. Throughout this process, Tony has kept his head high and his spirit even higher. He faces this new obstacle in his life with dignity, strength and a smile on his face and I am truly amazed by my husband everyday. This is something I have known for many, many years and one of the reasons I fell in love with him all those years ago, but to see it everyday reaffirms what a gorgeous, smart and strong man I have married. As so many folks have said to me, what makes a person is not what happens to you, but how you handle it. Tony has showed me what an extrodinary person he is by how is handling losing his hand.
Today, I was up and at the office early and was there most of the day. He is getting stronger each day and the sparkle is coming back into those big brown eyes of his. He was on the phone today with the folks at TRS (the prosthetic folks) so he could order some new brake adapters for his mountain bike and chatted with them about the paddling attachment for kayaking. He is moving forward to figure out how to create the life he wants instead of letting this dictate what his life will be. We are looking forward to more and more outings in town even if they are just for a few minutes as it is so nice for him to be out and about. His color is coming back and now we just have to focus on putting some weight back on those bones (not something I need to worry about!). Life sometimes isn't sweet and it seems as though we can't get through it, but I know in my heart that our life will resume much the same over the next few months/years and that this will never stop either one of us from having the life we want to create together. No matter what happens, we have each other and all our friends and family surrounding us giving us all the support we need. Thank you all!

Yesterdays doctors appointment pics

Heather dressed as cheerleader to change his bandage...

Old Picture of Intensive Care

Tuesday night here in Durango and Tony is napping beside me while I sit down to catch everyone up on his recovery. Funny, I just typed in "our recovery" then had to go back and correct it as it really isn't about me at all no matter how much I feel like it is. Being beside him every step of the way has made this seem like I am recovering as well (in a sense I am I guess) but he is the one handling the loss of his hand, not me.
Our first few days alone were hard, but good and today it was so nice to get up, blow dry my hair, put on some makeup and head to the office. What a dream the cubicle is. A sense of refuge and normality in a place that I used to think of as just work. Walking in, turning on the computer, checking the fax box and walking back to see Bree at her desk is such as great sense of relief. It means that at some point, life will resume as normal and this sense of trauma will have subsided to some degree.
Today was our first appointment with Dr. Kane Anderson who was the original trauma hand specialist that was in the ER with us the night of the accident. It was his first night on call here in Durango and Tony was his first patient. He was so calm and thorough that night I cannot say enough good things about him. I was in such a state of shock and panic, that it was nice to have such a competant person and the helm. I was worried that when I saw him today, I was going to break down or cry as it would bring up so many emotions for me, but what I felt when I saw him was gratitude that he was there that first night to help us through and that he was there today to pick up where Dr. Ipacktki left off. Heather came with us today in case there was some sort of other issues that came up with bandage changes and also to suppor us both which is so helpful its unbelieveable. Dr. Anderson removed all the bandages and said all was looking good which was such a relief to hear. The wounds are healing up, the swelling is going down and it does not look like there is an infection on his arm which was music to my ears. We were there for about 2.5-3 hours while the Dr. looked at everything so he knew exactly what we are all dealing with . As Dr. Anderson removed all the staples and stiches, Tony was so strong it brought tears to my eyes. It looked so painful and all I can do is watch. When you see your husband in that kind of pain, you feel helpless as there is nothing you can do but watch him tough it out through the pain as he tells the doctor to keep going.
After this appointment we went to the prosthetic offices to have an intial meeting with the prosthetics specialist. This was hard as we are looking at pictures of different situations, the realization of how long the process will be and quite frankly, how expensive. This is such a scary feeling and again you think how quickly your life has changed in three short weeks. No longer and I worried about an unfinished kitchen or how to pay a credit card bill, but you are thinking "wow, I sure hope insurance will cover this and if it doesn't, if we sell the house will it cover 1/3rd of our bills?". These are new thoughts for me that I keep at bay while the bills come in and we just keep our fingers crossed that our insurance will kick in and cover it.
Life is slowly returning to normal around here and tomorrow, I will post a few more pictures from todays appointment. I am making Tony one of his favorite dishes tonight, chicken parmesean and hopefully he will fall asleep with his arm elevated and sleep all the way through this night dreaming of healing.......

the healing has begun.....

Sitting in the hotel first day.

First day outside..

Here are all the pics so far that

First Night at home alone...

Last night was our first night at home without any parents and it was just Tony and I to fend for ourselves. This proved to be a little scary, and yet felt so nice. As we sat and watched tv, I made a quick dinner of leftovers and we settled in for the evening. It felt almost normal except I would look over every once in a while and would see all the bandages covering where his hand used to be. Then fear would overcome me and I would think, can I do this alone with out any parental figure near me? I haven't felt like such a child in a very long time. I very much felt as though I was playing dress up and this wasn't really my house nor did I have a real job let alone the capabilities to take care of Tony. When in all reality, all these things are true. This is my home that we have worked so very hard to buy, I do have a real job (admittedly, not a great paying job in this economy but I wear skirts, makeup and blow dry my hair most days which qualifies me as a professional in some peoples eyes) and I am a smart girl. I am a very capable 37 year old woman who is fiercely independent and is absolutely capable of such feats, I just needed to breath deep and know that we can get through this.
Now some things have changed for sure, like we were nestled in bed by 8:41pm and Tony really does just have one hand, but for the first time in a month, we were falling asleep in our own bed holding hands and feeling like any other married couple. The only difference is that we just lived through a full blown traumatic nightmare and have come out the other side. Lets just hope we stay on that other side.....

morning is always a fresh start and a nice new day.

Waking up today and looking out our bedroom window to a the gorgeous Colorado blue skies and pine tree tops makes one feel like the day will be much better than yesterday. As I stated yesterday, bandage days are just so hard but you move through those emotions always hoping to get to a better place and that is exactly what happened. I made a bit of an emergency phone call to Bree and she came and quickly scooped up and talked me through my pain. Afterwards, Ken dropped off Tony at the movies and we actually were out in public at a movie for the first time in a month!! Tonys spirits were high and his pain level was low so we were able to actually sit in the theater holding hands (just the left one!) and enjoy two hours alone. What an accomplishment!!
We were home resting by 6:30 which was good and in bed by 9:00. As most of you know, Roxy, our precious little, soft and cuddly dog sleeps under the covers with us. In the middle of the night, I woke up to a weird smell in our room. Usually, this means the old dog Butch has vomited or something horrible, but I could not find anything amiss. So I went back to bed. I was so much looking forward to sleeping until 8 this morning, but this was not what was intended for my Saturday morning. As I stretched under the covers, my foot touched something amiss. Hmmmm....what could that be? Oh look, its dog puke under the covers! What a treat! Needless to say, we jumped out of bed (as fast as Tony can with a bunk leg and one arm) and our day was started at 7:30 am.....
Ken and Patti are leaving today which will be another change for us as we have gotten so used to being so loved and cared for at all times. Time alone will be nice for some normalicy, but it will nonetheless feel lonely and a bit scary. We are both assured they will be returning next week and so we have the safety and comfort of knowing the parents will return. The Everhart family (Pattis sisters family who lives just down the street) came by to see us this morning and it was a joyous reunion absolutely. To have such close family right down the street has been such blessing for us as knowing they are here in case of ANY emergencies they will be here quicker than quick.
Tony and I are home healing and enjoying seeing friends coming to visit and that certainly helps him feel better even if folks are just here for a few minutes (then I hustle them out when I think Tony is to exhuasted to chat anymore). Returning to some kind of routine feels good even if it is just sifting through hospital bills, reading insurance policies and making doctors appointments. All this means we are moving forward and that is something that we are both just so excited for. I have figured out how to post pictures on here so hopefully by the end of today, everyone who reads this can see visual pictures of recovery!

bandage change day.

I hate bandage change day. Not as much as surgery days, but pretty close I would say. Tony has asked Heather to come up and change bandages with Patti so for the next few weeks she will be able to help Tony and I with it which is just so fantastic. As it showed me this morning, people don't really understand the situation and how intense and real it is until they will be able to see what is left of Tonys arm. These days bring up so much emotion and just when you feel like life is getting better and better, you remove the bandage and you are faced with the reality of the whole situation and your feelings well up in your heart and the crying starts. Sometimes I feel fine and that this is just our situation now and other times it just is so overwhelming and hard. Sometimes there is so much anger and hurt and it seems so hard that other peoples lives move on so quickly while ours is in such limbo. Todays post doesn't feel funny or witty and I just don't have it inside today for anyone. This just sometimes sucks and it hurts.

Home.

I am actually sitting at my desk in my cubicle. Can you believe it? I certainly cannot. Tony and left Denver yesterday midday with Ken and Patti in another car. It was a long drive where Tony kept his foot elevated and did some napping while I entertained him throughout the drive with my fantastic singing voice (very much joking). We were able to see some of the foliage changing but it seems as though last week was really the week to see...Scotty J and Lonnie had come up last weekend and said it was spectacular as did Bree when she left so I was so glad that their drives were pretty at least as I know dang well Tony and I weren't a pretty sight.....
The travel home proved difficult for Tony as it was a long drive and that morning he also weened the first of the pain medications from his routine. As we all know to well in this country, pain medication addiction is a fairly serious situation and I know that Tony is well aware of this and taking so many precautions to not head down that road. Hence, the pain where his hand used to be flared up a bit. Upon arrival, we unloaded the car, had a little cry and settled in for the night. Bree and Piper paid a short visit which was fantastic and just watched a bit of TV with mom and dad. As the evening drew to a close, we hobbled upstairs to our room and to just see our Tempurpedic made my heart soar with giddiness. Aunt Nancy had come over cleaned the house, changed the sheets and put fresh towels out (what a dearly loved woman she is!!) and so our bed was gently calling to me from across the room...."tina....tina...come love me...I promise not to hurt your neck like that horrible plastic thing they called a bed in the hospital...tina come hither..." and come hither I did. Even after getting Tony all set up (it is a quite a feat for him to sleep as legs/arms have to be propped up, medications laid out for the night, etc) we had more than enough room to call our for Roxy to join us for some good old fashioned cuddling. As most of you know, that dog lives for three things: Tony, snacking and cuddling so you can imagine how happy she was to return to her favorite spot under the covers with Tony beside her...Now, cousin Mark was a good shoe-in, but there is nothing like her beloved Tony I am sure.
We woke up this morning it may have been the best feeling in the world to shower and dress for work. Many of you scoff at the idea that I would truly love being a Realtor, but I honestly do love it and have always enjoyed going to work everyday. You may also want to remember that although I do work in a cubicle in a windowless basement, it is infinetly better than being in a sad depressing hospital with gray walls and no natural light. So you can see why I was ecstatic to return to Cubicleland if you think hard enough about it.
I could not be more thrilled than to come home, see my husbands smiling face and see him walk up and down our stairs. His strength continues to amaze me and I will say it just one more time. I may be the luckiest woman in the world to have somehow landed this man to be my partner in life.

He is getting skinnier and I am getting chubbier....

How is that possibly happening? We just realized that Tony has lost 20 lbs (according the scale in the hotel gym that he hobbled on down to while I was diligently trying to walk-walk-walk away the candy I have been shoveling in at mach speed) while I myself feel like I am not going to fit into the seat in my Honda Element. Somehow it has seemed like a free for all and I can now see why folks in a trauma situation find themselves on The Biggest Loser in a matter of months.
We went to the clinic this morning for another bandage change and follow up with Dr. Ipatcki and had an appointment at 8:oo am. These waiting rooms are germ filled and about as boring as it gets. Ken was actually texting Patti, them timing how long it took his text to reach her phone. 8 seconds. That is all it takes for a text from Ken's phone to reach Patti's phone. Just 8 seconds. Tony was not amused as much as I was by this because he has been in ICU and so drugged up and in pain while the three of us (plus my mom and Luke for many days) were rattling around the waiting room for hours and days on end. You also realize that in this kind of trauma situation, you can not really even read a magazine while you are waiting. Most of you who are reading this know that I am a voracious reader and I have not been able to make it through a People magazine. Every second you look at the clock and then back at the door hoping that your surgeon will pop his head in. You don't even want to go to the bathroom for fear of missing the doctor. After 17 days (yes, we have been here for 17 days), you find small ways to amuse yourselves that require a short attention span. Hence the game of text-timing.
At any rate, we waited for two hours and at 10:00 am we were brought into the examination room. The bandages were removed and I have to say, Tony and I were both so excited when we saw his arm. The swelling is down and it just looks so good compared to Friday, and his leg is healing well. I myself, am quite squeamish when they are pulling the tape/bandages off (think open wound and ripping extremely sticky plastic clear tape off it) and often have to sit down or try and amuse myself by texting Bree incesantly so I don't have to watch. These texts are ofter misspelled (as Bree can attest) but at least I am occupied during this.
All the staples were also removed from his foot and his thigh and now the healing can begin. Afterwards, we loaded up the car and drove to Jerusalem (no, not the country but the fantastic mediterranean lunch place) to get Chicken Schwarma sandwiches. Things are starting to feel normal again, we are just down a hand which really seems to be workable for all of us. Don't get me wrong, the tears can often spill at strange times (REI for me today) but they don't come as forcefully and they go away somewhat quickly as soon as the moment passes. We are headed back to our beloved little hamlet of Durango tomorrow and really cannot wait to see everyone in just a few days....We cannot tell you all enough how much we appreciate the support and love we have both felt througout this process. And don't worry, I will keep blogging just as much and keep everyone posted on Tonys recovery...I am even going to figure out how to post pictures so folks can see the progress!

bills and a sadly sore body from running.

It is a sad day when a 3 mile run puts such a hurting on me. I hobbled about the hotel room last night and woke up this morning with a sore back and aching thighs. Tony assured me that "I did it off the couch" and so I should be sore but I think that is just to make me feel better for not doing anything for two weeks. I think I am sore from emotions rolling all over the place, my husband losing a hand, sleeping on a weird plastic foldout bed then running a 3 mile race which I tried not to cry throughout. I think I am just plain exhausted from this whole situation.
For the first time last night, I fell asleep naturally with Tony beside me and Curb Your Enthusiasm in the background. It felt almost normal and for just one second, I woke up in a bit of a daze and thought I was at home and this was a dream. Sort of like the movies when that happens, but I awoke to amublances outside our window and the brush of Tonys bandages on my arm. I do have to say though, I am glad that my nightmare is just a missing hand and not waking up to a missing Tony. That would be bad.
This morning I got my first taste of trying to sort through all the insurance and hospital bills. Not good. It seems as though the hospital wants quite a bit of your money ($1300 for some kind of cape they put around a microscope to took at something or another) but they do not want you to see the bills nor have much access to them. I waited in room after room while Ken and Patti furiously faxed signed sheets to certain companies and then we would all be shuffled into another weird room alone and left there where our conversation revolved around if we actually thought it was someones office or an abandoned sort of meeting/stock room. The gal that had us in there had pulled up our files and there were some very rigorous notes as to whom has spoken with whom (was it really Tina Miely or her mother in law as it didn't sound like her voice) and yet they couldnot get a simple note in there about the correct insurance. She then left us in the meeting/stockroom and came back and said another gentleman would be speaking with us. A very funny experience and not in the ha-ha way but in the way that made you really want to punch someone in the neck and then start crying. We finally met with a gentleman who gave us the appropriate paperwork but it was only after quite the teethpulling and big fake smiles that he slipped it into my hand. Over three hours just to get a copy of the bill (for about a trillion colones!) that they would like us to pay. Again, just a taste of the next two years to come dealing with bills. I should have known as I have seen Bree struggle with all the bills and the mean conversations I hear her have with folks for when Piper was hit by the skier and he was in the hospital just one night with one surgery. Lord, 6 nights in ICU, the same in a step down unit, and five surgeries is going to be tough.....
On another note, Tony seems to be steadily healing and is getting around a bit more each day. I now don't panic when I seem him heading to the restroom as his footing seems more sure of itself and he isn't teetering quite as much. The pain in his leg has been finally rearing its ugly head but we are both hoping it will heal quickly and he can start moving around a bit. Right now, sitting up in a chair for dinner and a trip to the bathroom is proving exhausting and yet it is hard to sleep with all the pain his body is in trying to heal. He is talking about trying to road ride later this winter (so if anyone has an indoor thingy so you can ride your road bike inside, maybe we can borrow it to see if he likes it?) which is a good positive step forward. We are hoping that tomorrow morning, Dr. Ipatchki will check out his arm, change the bandage and send us on back to Durango. This will be the best case scenario and we will back home to heal in just a day or so. Keep your fingers crossed for us and hopefully the next you read, we will have our departure date!

Race for the Cure...

So this morning way, way before the sun came up, Mom, Dad, Lonnie (from the shop) and I all got up at 6am to run the Race for the Cure (Mom and Dad walked). I really don't enjoy getting up that early for any reason let alone to run on pavement for three miles pounding away on my joints, but it is for breast cancer and for that reason alone, we all thought it was a good idea. After Tonys first night out of the hospital, I was very reluctant to leave Tony in the hotel room, but he just about kicked me out the door (I really think he just wanted to whole bed to himself for a couple hours!). We had a bit of a rough day yesterday as they cut some of the nerve pain meds out so he is feeling a bit of new pain feelings in his arm and that is surely uncomfortable. For me, it was just about the best thing in the world laying on the bed with him beside me not hooked up to all kinds of machines and IV's. It surely feels like a vacation now if you can call not being in the hospital a vacation!
So, the race in the dark. Lonnie and I were also meeting Bree's little sister Shay and her roomate Devina at the starting line to try and stay together somewhat. As we arrived, there are thousands of people in all kinds of pink outfits (wigs, leggings, boas, etc...even a couple guys dressed as bananas!) with some folks wearing tags on their backs with names of ladies who were lost to breast cancer or folks they were running for. As we came to the top of the first hill, my emotions almost overtook me (oh my goodness! all these people are coming together to help overcome such a horrible situation and working towards something positive!) but having Lonnie running right beside me, Shay just ahead of me and mom and dad behind me, I felt loved and secure. As Lonnie and I hobbled through the finish line (one can certainly feel two weeks of sitting in a hospital chair) we high fived and I sighed a breath of relief. Now I can go back to the hotel and sit with Tony and kiss his face. This was the best finish of all.

Discharge!

Tony and I woke up this morning like small children on Christmas morning. We are now waiting for the discharge papers to come through so we can head over to the hotel with Ken and Patti. My mother Sherry just flew out this morning and I cannot thank her enough for all the love and support she gave to both of us these past two weeks. She so unselfishly gave up her vacation to Durango and flew here immediatley two Sundays ago to be at my side throughout this whole ordeal. Being so lucky to not only have an amazing mother in law, but I have one of the best moms in the whole world and I cannot believe I am so lucky to have such supportive parents all around. My father has also been wanting to fly out to be by my side and had to tell him no as there were just getting to be to many people (if you somehow can have to many people by your side loving you...I don't think so!) here at the hospital.
Having this happen to us has really changed our world view on life. It is not that we were not supportive of others but perhaps not there as much as we could be. This will certainly be different from now on, just think, if you have any kind of issue in life, Tony and I will be coming at you with forced love and support....just kidding but we certainly be there everystep of the way.
The weather has turned cold and I am a bit nervous as I have signed up for Race for the Cure tomorrow morning (Tammy Osborn I will be running for you!!!!) and it is supposed to be about 40 degrees!! Good lord have mercy.

the Blood Purse is gone!

So tonight the doctor came in around 5:30 to check and change the bandages on Tonys arm and to investigate the situation. As he unwound the bandages we all (myself, Ken and Patti) waited anxiously to see what awaited us all. Dr. Ipaktchi thought it was looking fantastic and that is was healing well. It looked fine to me, but there was so much tape holding all the gauze on and was ripping tonys armhair right off. Ken was flinching with me right beside him as that surely seemed like worst part. Tony held strong and did not make a peep, but I felt as thoughI had to remind him that it was just like anytime I have to wax anything and never mind a Brazillian! He did not really laugh at my joke which was ok as I knew he was in pain.
Mom and Dad left us to retrieve dinner and we sat together talking about what was going on for us. The changes that were to come and what it meant for our lives together. Tonys strength and spirit continues to amaze me each and everyday as he is never negative but is also not pushing aside his feelings to be buried forever.
Hot German doctor finally gave us the go ahead to head over to the hotel in the morning which I am just so excited about I can't stand it. A bed, a shower and much better tv than what we have in the hospital.
Each day we get some kind of "plug -in" or IV situation removed....the other day was oxygen, then something that neither one of us can remember right now and then today it was his Blood Purse hose. You may be wondering what that may be and how can I get one? Well, no need to look further...lose your hand in an ATV accident, have mulitple skin grafts, and then have a suction type of thing put in your arm and a tube from that which leads into a machine that pumps all kinds of fluids into it a clear chamber. Everywhere you go, either your wife will carry it, or you can put it on your lap while you are getting wheeled outside for a breath of fresh air. It has a handle and a nice viewing window that you can see everything sloshing around in it. A Blood Purse. I bet you can get one on EBay.

What't that you say? A possible hospital release?

The magic words that have thrown carelessly around for a couple days now seem to actually be coming to fruition! We have an appointment with Dr. Ipatchki tonight at 6:30 (which often means 8:30 because of the trauma nature of this hopital) to open up, change the bandages, and check out the situation and give us a full assessment. At that point, we are hoping to be discharged and moved over to the hotel the parents have been staying at for two weeks. Again, if it goes well, we will have another checkup on Tuesday and then can head home to Durango!! Most likely we will be heading back up here every two weeks to check on "The Flap" as the doctor calls it (the flap of skin from T's leg that is now covering his wrist and arm.) as it is a very tempermant Flap and needs lots of attention at all times (hmmm...sound like me a bit?).
Last night was a hard night for both of us for some reason. The weight of the situation was bearing down on us and neither of us could sleep. We talked for awhile about things and slowly drifted off to the sounds of doors opening, faint beeps and an eery glow from the machines.
I can only imagine this is what having a child is like in terms of sleep...."How did you sleep?" "ok, I fell asleep from 10-1145 than fell asleep again from 31o-730 and then I really feel into a deep sleep for 50 minutes or so. Not bad really...." then the nurse parade starts every moring about 5:30 or so with lots of bumbling around and chatting about their mornings as if we are both corpses instead of folks just napping.
We both woke up feeling much better today (and I really must be honest as to why I couldn't sleep well- giant burrito, two cookies and a giant cupcake my mom and I found earlier in the day...all these items combined did not make for a good tummy...)and we are ready to take on a life with just one hand. It seems fine in the morning and we really can't complain in all fairness to the others in the hospital. At least Tony didn't shoot me in the face on our wedding day (guys next to us in ICU) or my gangster cohorts did not stab him and then try and get him again in his hospital room (ICU again) or catch one of Tonys buddies who came to visit smoking crack in the bathroom (a story a nurse told us that happened once......) Tony just lost a hand and is ok other than that. He has his brain, his spine, both his legs and is just missing a hand. We can certainly live with that. Between the two of us, we have three hands and four legs and that seems more than enough.

take in some art at the museum? I don't think so.....

Each day when I get up, I think, today is the day my mom and I are going to walk to the Denver Art Museum. We are only blocks away after all and I when do I get to go to art museums? This morning was no different as I said the same thing to myself and proceeded to text my mom a time to meet for our rendezvous. After wandering down the cafeteria in Tonys pajama pants (they keep bringing them to the room every morning even though his leg is so wrapped up he can't even think of pulling a pant over it) and an old tshirt to get coffee, Tony and I did our wander around the hospital and then he sat down for a nap. Sherry and I met up and even still at this point, I was pretending that I was interested in the museum and all the artwork it contained. As we strolled the few blocks from the hospital, I was amazed at the change in the air temperature. Yesterday was hot with the sun beating down and I was wearing shorts (yes, Bree had sent up my gym bag in which my mother washed everything in it and thus I am wearing weird gym clothes for everyday wear). Today the air was sharp with the crisp taste of fall as the leaves whirled around my feet. As we walked up to the entrance, I looked at my mom and said, "Want to skip the museum and go wander around the Gap?" . This is a sad but true statement as I realized if I indeed went into the Denver Museum of Art to take in some "culture", I would be honestly changing one clean sterile building for another. I realized at this moment that I really didn't want to be inside no matter what artwork it contained. Sherry and I then wandered down to 16th St. area to the Gap with the pretense of finding Tony some sweat-pant type of thing in case he actually he is released from the hospital tomorrow. His doctor reminded up that he will not be able to wear jeans for quite some time and he needed something that was easy to pull over all the bandages on his leg. With my shopping stealth, I was able to find some sweet looking loungewear in the deep discount area for $14. This was a find indeed as all he has here in Devnver is what Bree packed him at 2:30 in the morning with our Aunt Nancy the night of that accident (they were smart enough to pack in some underpants and a snap front shirt in lieu of a bottom front. Smart girls!!) and the pair of Carharrts he was wearing at the time of the accident. I felt at this point I really accomplished something and was famished. We wandered over to the Brown Palace and ate some hot soup for lunch.
Well, have to run as Tony just woke up has to potty so off to take care of my baby. Thank you to everyone everyone for everthing they have done for us. The love keeps coming our way and we would certainly like everyone to keep in mind our friends Tammy and Justin Osborn. They have two young childred and just found out she has breast cancer. Please keep them both in your thoughts hearts as it will be a long recovery for them as well.....
Tina

Tina Rocks

Hey All, Tony checking in. I am doing much better, Tina got me walking around outside today, it was so nice just to be out of my room. The fresh air was amazing, my spirits literally lifted with each breath i took. My pain is managable and walking is not too bad, we even did some stairs and i did fine. For those of you who have been to our home you know that I better be ready for some serious stair climbing. Tina has been amazing, she is sleeping here in my hospital room, taking my pee jars out, giving me sponge baths, putting my socks on, taking me for walks, her patience with me hasbeen incrediable, i feel i am the most lucky man on earth to have her as my wife. Thank you all again for your support, I read your comments several times a day and they keep me inspired to look forward and keep healing.

surgery and recovery of Tony Miely...

So that is name of the blog and I believe we are in the recovering stage of things. Today, I wheeled Tony out of the hospital into the sunshine and I could feel his spirit and soul soar as the sun hit his face (hmm..sounds real hippie I know). It is funny what happens when you have been inside for 12 days and you are "an outdoorsy" kind of guy. Your skin looks pale, your eyes lose their luster and you become immune to the recycled air. As we loaded Tony up into the super sweet wheelchair his cute daytime nurse scrounged up for him, I was nervous as I have never been the driver on a wheelchair. I bullied my way into the elevator and pushing dirty faced children into the corner and almost smashed Tonys bandaged foot (yes, it appears as though there was some kind of accident with his foot, but it was the skin grafts and vein transplant that caused such a wrapped up leg) into the wall. As I navigated my way through the hospital entrance and the sunshine hit us, I could feel Tony's happiness brim up. We tooled around the hospital grounds (many of you saw the picture on Facebook where it really and honestly looked like I was pushing him down a hill with a giant smile on his face) and took a few pictures then stopped to just enjoy the sun and wind on our faces.
Ashley from the shop walked up then with two of her friends which was so good for Tony to see and we visited with them for a bit before heading upstairs for fantastic shave and clean sheets. We miss everyone so much and really can't wait to head home to Durango where we are welcomed with open arms and the recovery really begins.

An article in "Paddling Life" about Tony!!

http://www.paddlinglife.net/article.php?id=471
This is a link to an article about Tony is Paddling Life...how much more loved can we get! Thank you to all of you!!

the lights go off and on all night with nurese coming in...

Last night we both seemed to have slept somewhat decently. I drifted off the Seinfeld with my neck crooked so I can see Tony from my weird bed on the floor and he was awake until they could change all his IV cords at about 12:30. Why they chose to wait that long and wake him up, I have no idea, but there are many things that happen here that I just don't know why they happen the way they do. The staff seems to come in each and every hour (as per their job of course) and the way they are speaking sounds like some kind of dream language that is only deciphered in the dark.
Each morning when I wake up, my body feels sore as if I worked out or lifted the day before (I actually just sort of laughed at the thought of being able to do that...) but I know it is just all the emotions that are coursing through my body making themselves known. Bree made me feel better when she was here as she told me-
"You could be really working out hard and watching everything you eat and MAYBE you would be two pounds lighter. Now do you think that is worth it or should we just go ahead and watch some Seinfeld with Tony?" Not these exact words of course, but I realized that she is right. Every other day in my life is filled with exercise and it is OK to just take a couple weeks and not freak out about it. Good grief the things we put ourselves through when they don't really matter at all.
The emotions we are both feeling is really like a roller coaster. One minute I feel so fine that he is only missing a hand and god, that really isn't a big deal....and then next second a lump forms in my throat and I realized I haven't cried in at least two days. Well, there is went. The tears just started as I sit here in the cafeteria (which I am secretly always wanting to eat all the snacks that surrounding me but have to feel happy with a cup of coffee). No one seems to notice a crying girl in a corner both and that is just the way I want it right now.
Ok ok, enough of that. Time to pull it together and face the day with strength in me heart and fearlessness in my soul. Well, really it is time to find a place to get my hair cut here as Bree has been cutting it for some time and thought that maybe I should try and pretty up a bit for Tone!

it is so hot in this "tropical healing" room....

Breathe deep and try to keep positive. This is all I can do right now. It is funny, the past week all I have been concerned about is my husband living and breathing. Now that part is over, it is on the next healing step which is actually thinking about him doing everyday stuff without his hand. This proved harder for me last night than I thought...not because of the loss of hand, but how much pain he will go through accepting this as a new way of life. I thought of all the things you need that hand for and those thoughts weighed so heavy on my heart I could barely stand it. Yet I have to try and keep it strong and focused on all the good things like it really is just a hand and after six months, he will be so used to it, it will be second nature. But I know until that time comes we have such a long road of anger, frustration, sadness and loss. Each day will bring a new challenge for my husband in ways I never thought about but I know with our strength together we can get through it. I think the first days home (and without bandages on...) will be the hardest because here in Denver, we are still not facing real life. We are sheltered from everyday tasks and have minimal contact with the outside world.
Each day when you walk around the hospital whether it is ambling to the cafeteria at 7 am to get coffee or midnight to just have a walkabout, you see so many people that are in such worse conditions and families whose hearts are broken into a million pieces on the waiting room floor. You stroll by on your way to get a cup of ice and hear snippets of conversation:
"will be brain dead for life"
"has full facial mobility but will never be able to move"
"is undetermined whether she will ever wake up"
and you are immediately thanking a higher power that that particular doctor is not yours. You actually have a hot German doctor who has told you your husband will fully recover, just not with a hand. You then wander back to the hospital room filled with loved ones and support and realize watching The Biggest Loser all night on TV with your husband is just the night you have been looking forward to all along.

Sitting in our Marriot room for the past eleven days just accross from the hospital where Tony has gone thru five surgeries in ten days. His beautiful strength and courage has shone in every challenge he has faced in life and especially these past eleven days. Tina at his side offering her love and attention evey moment since his accident. His friend Luke spending days supporting Tony and Tina and offering hugs to family has been a true blessing to all. Other friends stopping by for a visit or two to offer their strength and support. Jennifer giving great massages and exercises and Holly giving hugs to Tina and sharing tears with her brother. All of his friends and family have been so strong throughout only wishing and praying for Tony's recovery. Now, Tony can hopefully move forward as he may have just endured his last surgery if all goes well. The doctor will be checking daily to insure the infection is under control and healing is occurring without any more complications.
With Tony's incredible sense of humor and great spirit, he continues to work on his current challenge, overcoming his injury. When he was in grade school they voted him "Most Likely To Become Indiana Jones" and we always wondered exactly what that meant. Well as Tony grew into a man, we realized that he is an Indiana Jones sometimes defying what we deemed impossible. It is this courage that we are now seeing every moment.
Thank you for all of your love, prayers, support, visits and everything that has given Tony and Tina and his family strength. The overwhelming response has been so touching to all. As his parents, it has been our most difficult challenge to watch our son suffer so much, but he always gives us a faint smile and loving kiss to assue us he is and will be OK. Keep him in your thoughts and prayers. Ken & Patti Miely

Don't Call it a Comeback

Tony here. First and foremost a huge Thank You to all of you who given me your support, the amount of love out there has been phenomenal. My family, everyday friends, the paddling community and people I have not seen or heard from in years coming out of the woodwork and buoying my spirits with words of strength, love, humor and support. The past 10 days have been incrediably challenging and I know that I have a long road ahead. I plan to take the challenges head on and overcome the obstacles thay lay ahead. It will not be easy.
For many of you who know me it is probably suprising that this is my first amputation, I mean I have crashed a lot of different craft in my time. Motorcycles, rafts, kayaks, bikes, snowboards, kites, ect.. I have had pretty spectular wipe outs with all of these. Accidents are accidents though and when your number is up there is not much to do but move forward and make the best of a bad situation. I am super bummed about my situation but I realize that dwelling on the past or on coulda/shoulda/woulda bullshit will not get me my hand back. Instead I am choosing to look ahead and focus on how I am going to adapt to my new world.
My arm is getting tired from typing so I am going to sign off for now. I do want to Thank You all again and let you know you support has been remarkable, please keep it coming, I need all the love I can get right now. Love Tony

Out of surgery and ready to do some snackin'....

The relief of seeing my husband being wheeled back to his room is just about as good a feeling as getting off a roller coaster. Your heart is pounding and the giddy feeling you get is unparalled to anything else. All of us in the waiting room listen and hold our breath as you see the handsome doctor coming through the doors to tell you your husband/son is alive and breathing in post-op. After the doctor tells us all is ok we furiously pick up our cell phones to text all the loved ones to tell them the good news. This is when you breath deep and know that someone is looking after you from somewhere else.
At this point, the surgery went well and although his arm is a bit traumatized, they have closed up the wounds and the doctor will check on it Friday. At that point if all goes well, we can head to a hotel and then check in with the doctor. The wound is closed and the infection is under control so keep thinking positive thoughts. Ken and Patti are out buying Tony all kinds of snacks as he hasn't been able to eat in 24 hours so he is starving. Missy, Tony is very excited for the Snuggly and I can see that I will trying to take that over really quick! Who doesn't want a blankey that is really a house coat?! I do! I do!

takin' out the blocker and some football watching...

Yesterday Tony had a little football party in his hospital room with his dad Ken, Warren and Amber while I got out for a few with the ladies. I think that doing things like that make him feel so good and that things are going to be ok and move forward.
This morning I didn't think twice of throwing on a scarf and I honestly thought that really snazzed up my sweatpants to a high fashion level for heading to the cafeteria for coffee and some computer time to get folks updated on the morning. Last night after Bree and Shay stopped by to say goodnight, fawn over Tony and kiss him on the forehead (lucky guy) he got a text from Brian before bed. We sat and talked for awhile about how lucky we are. Tears came into his eyes (which made me want to make it all ok, but I held off) and he spoke about how loved he feels with all the support around him and how suprised he is by this. Why he would be surprised I don't know as Tone Loc may be one of the nicest and sweetest men on the planet not to mention he looks like a male model..... I am also overwhelmed by the love and even no one wants to hear "Oh, things happen for a reason..." I know they do and we are learning throughout this process that we are some of the luckiest people in the world. Not only do we have some of the most amazing family, but our community is also like our family and this is teaching us the value of that. For something tragic like this to happen and have people who have been constantly praying for us and thinking about us every second is changing both of our lives daily. We live a good life (even if we do have to struggle sometimes to live where we live and do stupid things sometimes), good friends and a support system that cannot be compared to anything I have ever really heard of. Tears are streaming down my face here in the cafeteria as I write this and think of you all.
Thank you all for everything and keep sending good thoughts all day as surgery days are the worst for him and for me as we are just waiting waiting waiting to go in and he can't have any food or water which depletes his energy....Also, you should all check out the i-Limb...it looks super cool and Tony can feel like Robocop!