As the weeks creep by, you start to feel the world around you moving forward. People going back to everyday life, and until they see Tony, its almost like it people forget that he is missing a hand and is still dealing with tragedy. This is to be expected and we both were ready for it, but it doesn't change the feelings you have when that does happen as it really brings it home that the world moves on and you have to move on with it. This is much easier said than done as both Tony and I have realized. There are so many feeling inside that surface at different times and you try to keep them in check throughout the day, and then when you collapse on your couch or in bed, they well up to the surface and just the slightest thing can remind you of your new life that has been chosen for you. So many times I look across the room and see Tony working on his physical therapy (which is working his wrist to try to regain a few degrees of movement) and my eyes fill with tears. They are not always sad tears, but many times tears of joy that he is sitting beside me in our beautiful home with a fire roaring and the twinkling lights of our Chrismas tree. These are the tears that I like, that I enjoy. It is the times when I look over and see pain and frustration on his face and he turns to me and just says, "This sucks. I wish I didn't lose my hand." These are the times that I cannot seem to keep it together and memories of that night flood my mind and swirl around my head for days. These are the times when it is hard to keep a smile on my face or feel grateful for anything.
The changes we face together each day are something that few people will ever know or even understand in their life which so many times makes it hard to relate to other folks around us. Or I guess, this is how I feel and I certainly shouldn't begin to guess what Tony is feeling which has to be magnified 1000 times over.
We are both certainly grateful to those around us who are supportive, understanding and realize that this isn't over for either one of us and won't be for quite some time and are sticking around. Life has changed for us and it doesn't always feel great, but we are facing it as best we can. With our heads held high and our spirits lifted, we face each day.
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i think about you and tony every day...as matt and i removed 3ft of snow that the city dumped in my parking spot while i was teaching the youth of america...ha... i thought god how do you do this with one hand??aaaaa you are right it sucks. i keep thinking that down the road this will be some kind of blessing...but at the same time....life is really #@$%ing hard.and getting served a shit sandy is not fun... keep your chin up...love you long time...Qball
ReplyDeleteThere is not a day, maybe not even a waking hour that goes by that we don't think of what Tony is going through to accomplish day to day activities that we all take for granted. Yes, people will forget what you both can never forget as you have a constant reminder. As Tony moves forward with his therapy and exercise he will struggle to get more range of motion and the scar tissue will fight his progress. Somehow we know his determination will move him forward each week....maybe slow, but hopefully steady. We miss you both so much and can't wait to see you for Christmas. Sending love and hugs to you both.
ReplyDeleteLoave, Mom & Dad
Hey, I'm a total stranger here, but I've been following your blog since I came across it while searching for prosthetics for my son. He's got about as much hand has Tony, except he was born that way. We are an active family (wakeboard, quads, dirtbikes, etc) and my 7 year old son is doing it all. (even the monkey bars at school) Tony will be able to everything he wants to do as long as his mind lets him. Believe me, I've seen it first hand. Some things may have to be adapted to suite him, but as long as he believes in himself he will be able to do it. Best of luck and Merry Christmas. (mark.bellaver@gmail.com)
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