Tonys Helping Hand Benefit Night

So here are finally some pictures from Saturday night. Tonys Helping Hand Benefit was so much fun and filled with family, but also so much emotion as you can see from this picture. I can't tell you enough how much everyones love and support meant to us as the night was a bit overwhelming for the two of us. Not only was everyone in Durango that we could possibly know, but so many friends and family flew in from Chicago to NY. We cannot thank you all enough for the love and support that we felt that night and continue to feel.

ps- Tricky Kitty debut was fantastic as well!

My heart is a-thumping...

Well, the day is quickly drawing near and my heart thuds in my chest just thinking about it. The Benefit. The Tony Miely Helping Hand Benefit this Saturday at Ska Brewing here in Durango from 5-10 with Tricky Kitty (my all girls band) having its world premiere. Many of you have send along encouragement and positive thoughts with things like "You are going to do great!" or "You guys are gonna ROCK IT!" All of these things are probably true but that does not take away the giant black hole of fear I have in my stomach from the thought of singing in front of a crowd of people. And oh yeah, I have never been able to sing and can barely, barely hold a tune and have never thought I would ever be doing something like this.
I had my first live interview on the radio yesterday morning for 30 minutes (KDUR) talking about Tonys accident, the benefit, and Tricky Kitty. My heart was thumping then (lord help me if I swear on the radio is all I could think....)as she began the interview I calmed down and my nerves settled. As she asked me about the accident and what actually happened, my eyes filled with tears and I furiously bit my lip trying to hold back tears. The tears come less and less frequently these days for both of us which is such a nice change compared to a month ago.
Well, as we get ready for so many wonderful friends and family to come into town, we will also be thinking of those that are just with us in spirit.....off to yet another band practice and breathing deep all the while.....

XC skiing for the first time with prosthetic and Cisco

After the excitement of Christmas morning was over and Mom and Dad were packing their car to continue their journey to Jenny, Michael and Kahnes, Tony and I decided to pack up our car and head out to try some XC skiing. We were both a little nervous for the outing, not just because of the new prosthetic that Tony brought home, but also because of the new family addition, Cisco. Across the street from the turn into our neighborhood hosts a fantastic loop to xc ski and in the past have spent many a Sunday morning skiing then heading to the Durango Diner for a green chili breakfast. This was much like those other days, other than the fact that Tony no longer has a hand to hold onto a ski pole. Dad and Tony spent an hour or so fixing a ski pole so his new prosthetic would be able to grip it, but as we headed out onto the trails, he soon realized that this was another new frustrating learning curve. Much of xc poling comes from your wrist, and you need some movement through there. Tony struggled with it a bit and we both had a few tears, but in the end, as always, he kept his chin high and spent the time thinking of how he can adjust his situation to make it work better.

Each time we try something, frustration and anger mount for both of us, but we try to breath deep and realize that life is different and we have to roll with it. We are both excited as we bought Dads Prius from him so we are excited for Tony to have a car to drive now other than his truck. We are slowly selling our vehicles for cars he can drive which will be nice when that is over for sure. It is all those kinds of things we have to think about that most folks wouldn't even think about and I certainly didn't before that is for sure! We are wishing everyone happy holidays and a safe New Year!

New addition to our family.

So after my minor breakdown on Sunday, and a few tears that night, I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and decided it was certainly time to move through some of this grief and enjoy the life that Tony and I have created for ourselves. On Wednesday, Tony texted me a picture of this little Staffordshire Terrier from the pound that needed a home and told me he put a hold on him for Roxy (our other little Staffie) and I to meet. I was very reluctant not just because I missed The Boodog, but it also meant letting go of the past and letting us both move forward into a new phase of our life together. This would be our first dog we got together which was also very exciting. Sometimes you want to wear your grief and sorrow around you like a blanket as it is familiar and comforting. Not always the comfort you need, but familiar nonetheless.

When we got to the pound, I was still reluctant to embrace this new guy, but as most of you know, any kind of animal steals my heart and I can't wait to get my hands on them for some cuddling. He is a smart little guy who is small, sweet and likes to play and run which is a change for us from our geriatric pitbulls we have had for years. As we loaded him into my Honda, he sniffed, circled a few times and laid down. I took this as a good sign and when we got home, we played some ball (which again is shocking to see one of our dogs move at such a quick pace!) and he settled in for the night on a bed beside Tony and promptly fell asleep.

As with anything, moving through this veil of grief and trauma has been hard, but at the same time, moving forward seems to dust of some cobwebs in both of our hearts and reminds us that life indeed does move forward and change and we can either sit back while life passes us by, or embrace these changes and and not just smiles plastered on our face, but have smiles that actually come from the inside and be filled with joy as well.

Snowy Day in Durango

As the weeks creep by, you start to feel the world around you moving forward. People going back to everyday life, and until they see Tony, its almost like it people forget that he is missing a hand and is still dealing with tragedy. This is to be expected and we both were ready for it, but it doesn't change the feelings you have when that does happen as it really brings it home that the world moves on and you have to move on with it. This is much easier said than done as both Tony and I have realized. There are so many feeling inside that surface at different times and you try to keep them in check throughout the day, and then when you collapse on your couch or in bed, they well up to the surface and just the slightest thing can remind you of your new life that has been chosen for you. So many times I look across the room and see Tony working on his physical therapy (which is working his wrist to try to regain a few degrees of movement) and my eyes fill with tears. They are not always sad tears, but many times tears of joy that he is sitting beside me in our beautiful home with a fire roaring and the twinkling lights of our Chrismas tree. These are the tears that I like, that I enjoy. It is the times when I look over and see pain and frustration on his face and he turns to me and just says, "This sucks. I wish I didn't lose my hand." These are the times that I cannot seem to keep it together and memories of that night flood my mind and swirl around my head for days. These are the times when it is hard to keep a smile on my face or feel grateful for anything.
The changes we face together each day are something that few people will ever know or even understand in their life which so many times makes it hard to relate to other folks around us. Or I guess, this is how I feel and I certainly shouldn't begin to guess what Tony is feeling which has to be magnified 1000 times over.
We are both certainly grateful to those around us who are supportive, understanding and realize that this isn't over for either one of us and won't be for quite some time and are sticking around. Life has changed for us and it doesn't always feel great, but we are facing it as best we can. With our heads held high and our spirits lifted, we face each day.

getting fitted for prosthetic

Luke just emailed me this picture from his phone and it is Tony trying on his prototype prosthetic. Cheers to holding a paddle and seeing a smile on his face!!!! I love it!!

First day alone...

It is a blustery Sunday morning and when I look out the window, I can see the snow has started covering the mountains. Tony has packed up the car and is picking up Luke Hansen to head to Denver today to pick up his first prototype prosthesis. This has been a long, hard week and I didn't think about how it would feel for Tony to leave and the fears it would bring up as well as some logistics about things. I now realize this is how Tony's folks and my mom must feel everytime we leave. I try to be rational and know that you can't live your life in fear of what may happen, but the thought of it looms heavy on your heart. The last time we were apart, Tony was in ICU and I was in a hotel across the street with my heart pounding with constant worry and fear. Being separtated for the first time, all these fears are welling up inside me, but I am also very excited for Tony to have some time with his friend and to feel that kind of freedom that a prosthetic will bring him.
The logistics of the trip and the driving situation was something neither one of us thought of until just a few days ago. Our truck that we used to only use for camping and hauling is now the only car Tony can drive, and I have to say it is big. Huge actually and when he thought about actually trying to drive it with one hand in Denver, he automatically told me he was taking my car. I then reminded him that it was stick shift and that he couldn't drive that either. It wasn't a tragedy and we are lucky to even have two cars and quickly asked Luke if he minded driving the Honda for Tony. These things don't seem like a big deal, but it is a reminder of what Tony lost forever and that he does have to make changes in his life on so many different levels. Luke is driving it for him, but I know that Tony doesn't like to be able not to drive his own car and not have to feel like feeling like he can't do something, but unfortunetly, that is his reality with some things. Learning how to deal with these kind of everyday changes makes you realize how lucky we in fact do have it....we don't have to sell our cars for a wheelchair adapted van or sell our house for the same reason. We also have good friends that are willing to help in this kind of situation and rally out the drive for Tony.
Life has changed in so many different ways these past few weeks and adapting to it can sometimes be hard, but you just have to keep your chin up and move forward and just make the changes that need to happen one at a time....

Said goodbye to our old friend Butchdog.

Above is a picture of our dog Butch's last Sonic hamburger yesterday. Tony and I both knew this day was coming (I have thought this days was coming for 12 years!) and yesterday was Butch's time to say goodbye. This past week during Thanksgiving, he back finally gave out and Tony and I were taking turns carrying him everywhere as his back legs were too wobbly to hold him up. We knew it was time, but had to wait until 5PM yesterday to get an appointment with out vet. We decided together that he loved Four Corners Riversports (Tonys shop he co-owns with Andy) that we wanted to put him down there so he could spend his last night peg-legging around saying good bye to the shop kids as well as customers. Most of the day he layed on his bed in front of the heater, but would wag his tail generously when folks came up to say goodbye to him.

I got Boodog when I was just 23 years old and have never had to put a dog down before, so this was a very hard experience for me. Bree and I just started a new Big Brothers/Big Sisters volunteer program yesterday from 3-4 so I knew I had to hold it together at least through Study Buddies before the deed was to be done. As soon as I pulled up at the shop at about 4:45, the tears started and didn't stop until well into the night.

Tony being the strong husband that he is, supported me through the whole thing. We both held his head in our laps and stroked his fur (hmm, would I call it fur as it is about the bristliest "fur" I have ever pet) until he slowly faded away. I think this brought all kinds of emotions to the surface for both of us and it proved to be a long night. I woke up this morning wanting to ask Tony is he let Butch out, but then my memory came back of the previous night and I held back the tears. As I sit in my cubicle, I am trying to hold it together while Bree keeps it all together for me.....

Thanksgiving Healing Picture

Always with a smile on his face no mattter how small that smile is. Thanksgiving with the Miely family was fantastic even if their was a few meltdowns from Kahne (present overload) and myself (to much food and being overtired like a 3 year old!). Today, some Christmas shopping and window shopping to begin the quest of exchanging our cars for automatics so Tony can drive them (have stick shifts unfortunetly, and those days are over for us for a while). Happy Thanksgiving to everyone and we hope that everyone can feel our love from afar!

Holidays.

Just the other day I woke up and realized the holidays were not just looming upon us, but are actually here. It feel as though it was just the other day that I was walking back and forth from the hospital to my hotel every day and before I knew it, I was dragging Christmas decorations out of my attic and laying them out for review. With our attic being the size of a bowling alley, it seems as though there are more and more boxes filled with "treasures" each year. The stair case is a pull down situation and is a treacherous feat even with two hands and a fully healed body. As I thought about pulling the staircase down and was calling to Tony, I realized how difficult this years holiday chores would be. Usually, Tony goes up and kind of hands the boxes down to me, and I grab them and hope to safely land them on the ground. This year it was going to be a bit different and I wasn't looking forward it. I climbed the wobbly staircase and ventured to hand down the first box....Tony reached up with his one hand and balanced the box filled with matted looking garland and eased the mildewy smelling box to the ground. We proceeded this way for some time until we both took at look at the 9 ft. tree still in its box with sale pricetags from the previous year clinging to its dusty sides. We kind of looked at one another and at the same moment said, "Maybe we can wait until Bree comes over to help with this one."

We both realized that things that we used to take for granted are not quite gone, but are certainly different in the way that they are handled. Your perspective on things is altered and life shifts in different directions. People you would have thought to be right by your side are not and ones that you never suspected cared so much have lent more than a shoulder to cry on. For the most part, we both feel fortunate for not only our such dear close friends and family, but that the hand we were dealt (wait...guess I can't use that one anymore can I? I just made myself chuckle a bit....) was not more of a severe blow to our life. With happiness for one another in our hearts, we look forward to each new crossroad as an adventure in our lives together whatever hand we are dealt....(I couldn't resist that!)

Denver doctors visit...

Tony and I headed to Denver this past Monday to see a two different doctors (as well a

a band!) which was just so fantastic. We met with a new prosthetics doctor on Tuesday as well as met with Tonys surgeon that afternoon. Both were very impressed with how well

Tonys is healing both physically and mentally. His arm as well as his leg skin grafts are healing quite nicely and he has begun to run a few days

a week. This is a new sport for Tony, but like everything else, he will be a fantastic runner (out running me for sure) quickly. We were able to see our good friends Ben and Maaike for dinner on on Tuesday which brought smiles to our faces and warmed our hearts. Not only in Durango do we have such a wonderful support syst

em, but it seems we have friends all over sending love and support our way. This has helped more than I can say for us to move forward and begin to learn how to live this new life we have. It is the small things that we are challenged with (having to swap out all of our vehicles for automatics!)but we are getting through them together with friends and family.

Again, thank you to all who continue to support and love us across the country!

Running can hurt ones legs....

The snow is falling outside and the flakes are the size of baseballs here in Durango. It is just so pretty I don't even know what to do. This has been such a good week for the two of us and we are moving forward in such positive steps. Tony has been at work at least a few hours everyday and his pain level seems to be decreasing each day. As time passes, we are both learning how to live this new life and to take joy in the life we have been given. Knowing how bad things could have been and what kind of changes could have easily been handed to us, we are thankful each day.
Our friends across the country and support here in Durango is overwhelming and brings tears to both of our eyes often. The way the community has sort of rallied around us, calling, planning benefits for Tonys prosthetics, checking in and asking how we are is simply amazing. Many of our friends from around the country have discussed coming out for the benefit to support us and I cannot even say how much that means to us. My business partner, Bree has worked non-stop allowing me time to be home with Tony as much as possible and his partner at work has been doing the same. These selfless acts bring tears to my eyes as I know that in this economic climate, it is not easy for anyone to say the least.
We are flying to Denver on Monday of this week to meet with some prosthetic specialists and Tonys surgeon (and catching an early show for some fun!) and hoping to know a little more about how to proceed with the idea of a prosthetic. We are not sure how long this will take, how many fittings, or honestly anything about prothetics so it will be fantastic learning experience.
On a lighter note, Tricky Kitty (my all girls band) has found a guitarist and we are starting to ramp up our practice schedule for January 9th! So much fun!!

First day on his Cruiser bike!

I took this picture on Saturday morning before Tony and I took a little bike ride along the river trail here in Durango. If you check out the right side you will see he has rigged up a "cup" type of thing to put his arm into for steering and his buddy welded a piece that fits onto his handlebars.

We rode for a few miles before turning around heading back to Four Corners. It was fantastic for us to be outside together riding bikes!

moving forward

This has been a good week for Tony and I. His sister Jenny came down and it was so nice to have her to ourselves for three and a half days! She cooked and cleaned and spent a lot of time with Tony allowing me to go to work and band practice and not have to worry to much about him. We have gone down to every other week for doctors visits which is fantastic and Tony is at physical therapy twice a week now working on getting some motion back in his wrist. There is not a ton of movement there and it has been a little frustrating for him, but we are getting there slowly but surely. After meeting with another fellow here in town who also lost his hand and part of his arm in an accident, Tony was inspired and I think he left that meeting with fresh hope in his soul which of course, makes me happy and makes my heart sing. This gentelman, Rich, showed him how he has his mountain bike set up and gave Tony all kinds of encouragement and hope that indeed he would be back doing everything he loves doing in just a few short years.
We are both very excited for the benefit party being held here in town at Ska Brewing on January 9th and it seems as though there may be quite a few folks showing up for it from out of town so that will be very exciting (even if it is a bit overwhelming!). My all ladies band Tricky Kitty is getting all geared up for this event as it will also be our first "concert" and we are just so excited for it to be for Tony. He is still the hottest guy in town that all the ladies love!!!

Jenny just got here!

So this past week, as you all read, was not a great week. I am happy that today is Sunday and that the week is just beginning again and we can start fresh. With bandages coming off, a fit being thrown over snow boots and the holiday on Saturday, we had our hands full with emotions flying all over the place. There were many tears shed and nights just waiting for a new day to start. Halloween is a particularly hard holiday for us not to take part in as we both love dressing up and often plan our costumes the year before. The year we got married, we had a huge Halloween wedding reception in Durango and had all of our friends and family dressed up celebrating our wedding day with us. So needless to say, this was a hard holiday for us, but we made the best of it and I cooked a fabulous dinner and watched scary movies.
Tonys sister Jenny drove down today from Gunnison to spend a few days with us pampering us with her wonderful cooking and fabulous promises to clean our house! We don't often get to hang out with her without the whole family around (whom we love very much don't get me wrong!) so this will be such a special week for us all. I think she is even going to come to our Tricky Kitty practice on Tuesday so she can rock out with us ladies for an hour or so. Lord, I hope this week is better than last is all I can say.....

Surgery was Easy, Life, not so much

Surgery was easy, I was under anestesia, most of my decisions were made for me by doctors, I had only my family and a few close friends to interact with. Right now the realities of living everyday life minus a hand are setting in. Seeing friends for the first time since my accident, reliving my ordeal, getting my boots on, trying to shovel snow (can't do it right now), and looking at where my hand once was and figureing out how to live with my new reality, this is proving harder than I had imagined. I am re-learning how to do many things but I am constantly faced with tasks that were easy to do with both my hands, now they are not within my current capabilities. I realize that as my stump heals and becomes less sensitive, stronger and regains motion I will be able to do more, but right now it can be discouraging. In time prosethetics will allow me to paddle, bike and shovel snow, but I had a horrible moment trying to put my boot on yesterday that ended with me throwing them across the room and breaking down crying. I put on my slippers in defeat and went to work an emotional mess. Thankfully my 4CRS family has been great, loving, understanding and sympathetic to my situation. I realize that time heals all wounds, both physical and emotional and I try to look ahead, but sometimes it's hard when you can't even get your boots on to go outside. Thank you all for your support and please keep the love coming, I need it. Tony

Sometimes life isn't all that sweet.....

Just when it seems as though you are making it through your emotions, you are pushed back to square one and you watch your husband struggle to keep it together and your heart breaks into a million pieces all over again. This will be the hardest thing we will ever get through in our life and all I can do is try to help him move through his heartache as much as possible. Trying to tough it out and be strong isn't always easy and all I can do is thank everyone for being there for us throughout this ordeal.

Physical Therapy and a bike trainer

Thanks to our good friend Arlo at Ska Brewing, Tony will now be riding his mountain bike in our living room to get that leg back in shape! Each day when I watch Tony face the day with a smile on his face I am in awe. Many days, by the time we go to bed at about 9, the smile has faded and pain and discomfort have set in. Not every night, but quite a few now that he is trying to return to work a couple hours a day and start with physical therapy. It seems as though it is getting harder and harder to write updates as there is just not that much to tell. Our close friends are being so supportive and callling him often to go for short walks or have us over for dinner and life is starting to take shape. It certainly is not the life we had before and we are both going through lots of emotions up and down, but it is coming together. I do believe we are no longer the talk of the town and the shock of the whole accident has worn off Durango and the excitement of Halloween has taken its place.
Some of our good friends have started the process of putting together a benefit for Tony here in town at a local bar (where yours truly will debuting with her all girls band!) for a weekend in January so that is certianly something we will look forward to. We are loving being home and watching the fall colors change from our house instead of a window in Intensive Care!

A post from Ken and Patti....

I thought everyone would like to read a post from Tonys folks....

Anonymous said...
Every time we visit with Tony and Tina there seems to be new strength in both their spirits and body. Tina continues to work out and bike and Tony keeps adding new activities, although limited at this time, to his daily routine. Their spirits continue to show us how strong they both are and we applaud them as they go forward with their lives. We all went out to dinner at Ken & Sue's on Monday and enjoyed the warmth of the Durango community. Helping Tony and Tina get ready for winter is a work in progress, but getting the house and outside straightened up made us feel useful. It is so hard to leave them and we have cherished the time we have spent together...it has been a healing for all of us. As parents we understand how important it is to give your adult children thier space, but we love being with them and so hold those moments close to our hearts. Keep healing Tony and keep strong Tina as together you will get through this. Love, Mom & Dad

Tony in his custom Snuggie...

So I have decided to try and write at least something on this everyday for the duration of Tonys healing for the next six months or so. They might not be the most funny or witty posts, but I know there are a lot of folks who look on this often to see how Tony is healing up. As you can see in the this picture, he is looking so much better than he did just a week ago. His color is coming back and he has gained back about 10 lbs which has helped quite a bit. His doctors appointment went well yesterday and Dr. Anderson gave him the go ahead to start physical therapy on that wrist of his to get it moving. He has his first appointment today so I am sure that he will be sore and tired by the time I am home from work around 4. Ken and Patti just left this morning after a few whirlwind days of cleaning and organzing the house which helps us both so much. We also made it over to Bree's house last night to celebrate our friend Kimi's birthday with a few friends. This group of friends (Luke, Kimi and Brian and Allison and a few more!) have become so important to us as they are getting used to seeing Tony with his missing hand which helps Tony start to move through some of those feelings of discomfort at being stared at. This helps with being in a small town as you see the same folks all the time so after a few months, he will just become "the guy at Four Corners Riversports with one hand..." which is good I think.
Life is treating us well and we are both just trying to move through this trauma with smiles on our faces and our heads held high and of course, a Snuggie to keep us warm.